Lost In Thought

I often wander through the internal world I have created for myself. Seeing the colours and the textures as they should be experienced. My ghostly fingers brushing against the smooth silkiness of happiness and carefully caressing the harsh textures of sadness.

Some days my inner world resembles a secluded woodland with a canopy of trees their leaves filtering the sun just enough so i can feel its warmth but not be burnt by its intensity. Other days its a baron desert with multiple tornado’s that are whipping up the sand into sharp painful screams of repeated thoughts and noises.

My internal world reacts to external stimulus and just like emotions it automatically builds a scene based on how I choose to react to the external world. I have mostly retrained myself to control the feelings created by negative emotions, at one stage i simply blanked out all emotions and thoughts to protect myself and retain the ideal internal world where I spent most of my time. This however affected the people around me and how they reacted to me, the lack of emotional engagement and a no visible reaction to external stimulus made people uncomfortable. As a result I found a compromise, a middle ground. It still makes different and for some people arrogant and too forthright with my direct words and sence of houmour. But people accept this more than me simply not showing any feelings or reacting to obvious emotions.

Ive often tried explaining to people them reacting to an emotion in a specific way doesn’t mean I have to do the same. It doesn’t make me an animal or soulless, it just means that I choose to react in a different way. I react in way that make me feel comfortable and that allow me to function.

Try telling someone that by smothering the feelings generated by certain things that you can banish your fear, control your anxiety and stop your hands from constantly shaking and remove the feeling that people are staring at you and talking about you all the time. Try telling them that you have created a safe place where you can live somewhere that you can calm the never ending tornadoes of noise and words and transform them into a clam quiet woodland where you can walk in peace and solitude, somewhere you feel safe. Try telling them that rather than burying your fist in the face of a narcissist that tries to manipulate and entrap the people you care about you you find another outlet and instead try and educate them and help them find a coping mechanism until they make the choice to no longer be manipulated and controlled.

You can’t tell people your truths without seeming to be strange, daft, mental or tapped. That’s fine, we are all different, will all cope in different ways. To some extent I still react to emotions in the same way the societal sheep do, but my reaction is analysed and I make a conscious choice to react in a particular way rather than following the inbuilt training that we have been told we must apply to our lives.

My coping mechanism and way of telling people my truths has manifested itself in the form of creating digital art by blending photographs and pixels in photoshop. My art is a true reflection of the noise tornadoes that I have exiled from my internal world.

Lost in thought is both my daily state of mind and the title of one of my pieces of artwork.